I dont know if theres something wrong with
him or if its me.
Voice of abused women from Lundy Bancrofts
Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry controlling
This is a continuing series written in the memory of four-year-old
Emily Annamunthodo who was assaulted and killed in her home,
and her 19-year-old mother, (now accused of negligence) herself
a victim of spousal abuse having endured being stripped and
dragged through the streets naked, body slammed into a wheelbarrow
after which grass was thrown on her and she was threatened
with being set on fire.
The biggest menace about domestic violence, (and the reason
it affects up to 50 million American children annually who
witness it being perpetrated on some 30 million mothers) is
that it is menacingly woven into the fabric of everyday domesticity,
in the heart of the most intimate relationships, which alternate
between love and verbal, physical and emotional
abuse leaving the victims perpetually bewildered and ultimately
This series is aimed at making the invisible visible to abused
women; to help them understand there is nothing wrong with
them, and that they are victims of criminal behaviour. Sadly
victims are often ashamed and dont report domestic abuse.
Last week, I began summarising the chapter on the types of
abusive men according to Lundy Bancroft, which is continued
The Player: Women were put on this earth to have sex with
menespecially me. Women who want sex are too loose,
and women who refuse sex are too uptight. Its not my
fault that women find me irresistible. If you act like you
need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. Im
in this relationship when its convenient for me and
when I feel like it. If you could meet my sexual needs, I
wouldnt have to turn to other women.
Rambo: Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and
conflict resolution are bad. Anything that could be even remotely
associated with homosexuality, including walking away from
possible violence or showing any fear or grief has to be avoided
at any cost.
Femaleness and femininity (which he associates with homosexuality)
are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected
by them. Men should never hit women, because it is unmanly
to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for
my own partner if her behaviour is bad enough. Men need to
keep their women in line. You are a thing that belongs to
me, akin to a trophy.
The Victim: Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women
Ive been involved with. Poor me. Ive had it so
hard that Im not responsible for my actions. When you
accuse me of being abusive, youre just like the rest.
Its justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel
you are doing to me, and worse to make sure you get the message.
Women who complain of mistreatment by men, such as abuse or
sexual harassment are anti-male and out for blood.
The Terrorist: You have no right to defy me or leave me. Your
life is in my hands. Women are evil and have to be kept terrorised
to prevent that evil from coming forth. I would rather die
than accept your right to independence. The children are one
of the best tools I can use to make you fearful. Seeing you
terrified is exciting and satisfying.
Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser: I am not responsible for
my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.
If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean
to me, considering these other problems I have that you dont
understand. Im not abusive, Im just (alcoholic,
drug addicted, depressed, or whatever his condition may be).
If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental
illness, and youll be responsible for what I do.
Next week: Warning signs of abuse, and abusive cycles.