Saturday 23rd December, 2006

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Making a list…

Northern Pole

Attention: Shipping, Merchandising, Packaging, Distribution Divisions

Please note:

Items to the following must be cross-referenced to this list before being forwarded to Distribution.

Please avoid a repeat of last year’s *#^&@ where two yellow velour bathrobes with “UNC forever!” on the back were delivered to St Augustine.

It should have gone to the usual assignees in the South—Trinidad (and Tobago)—(tiny island spitting distance from Cousin Hugo’s place, close to Padre Fidel’s corner, but still conveniently located near Uncle Sam’s spread).

Another snafu occurred when designer spectacles in the “Vision 2020” box turned out to be cracked when they arrived at someplace called Whitehall.

Recipient promptly e-mailed irate complaint that he had 1.1 million problems, was myopic already and needed the specs ASAP since his five-year prescription had expired and he had to renew by 2007.

This season’s hottest gift request is for item #678, Beyonce’s latest, Irreplaceable . All requests stipulate that the CD be accompanied by a large print copy of the chorus.

Second hottest item is #573 Court Clothes expected to be the rage among certain elite parties in 2007. No, it’s not a Meiling original and hardly lily white.

Awardees have, in the past four seasons, forwarded requests to us. But in keeping with the upcoming year, some items are being issued according to request from public quarters.

S Claus

To be checked twice...

Prime Minister Patrick

Augustus Mervyn Manning

Fanny pack. (Recipient’s back and front pockets are full of dates—and prunes.)

Five-year supply of light bulbs. (NB: 120 watt and not the 40 watt which was obviously being used for the last four years.)

Second five-year supply of bulbs. (Recipient’s house reported to have lights on 24/7.)

Dozen Saville Row suits. With tougher back panels. (Received complaint that panels on last batch wore out after the first three years.)

Another pair of Armani shades. (Darkest tint requested by sender K Rowley. Sender has dropped original additional request for a hearing aid and four packs of chicken parts to be sent also.)

Ten cases tuna, mackerel, salmon, sardine, tilapia. One bundle bhagi.

Dr Philip D’Amato’s latest, Eating Right for Your Blood Type—C, the Cold Blooded Type.

Second flannel night-shirt emblazoned “The Chips—Letting Them Fall Where They May.”

Serta mattress (guaranteed more than four hours’ sleep).

Flock of sheep (in case mattress fails).

Another TV (as backup).

New York Times bestseller December chart-topper, Kicking It to the Curb—Inflation, Not the People.

Postcard signed “That’s All For Now, Folks!” (from Bombardier Air).

Dale Carnegie’s 2007 edition of How to Win Friends and Influence People—Getting It Right This Time (flyleaf inscribed “With love, Hazel”).

Deed to 20 acres at Chatham (from long lost will of Aunt Lucille stipulating last wish for nature reserve in the Manning name).

Shakira CDs (to teach the team how to mesmerise the public and wiggle out of things in 2007).

Three-piece living room set and buffet. (Recipient wants more seats and new cabinet next year.)

Surplice and vestments (on the good chance seats unavailable).

Ten-page memo from one Kenny Anthony.

Beyonce’s Irreplaceable.

Less hostile security detail (to successfully make friends on Opposition walkabouts).

100-watt light bulb (with automatic overhead flick-on as to why folks aren’t responsive on walkabouts. And similar initiatives).

Martha Stewart’s It’s Not Me—People are Just Judgmental That Way. (B Panday suggests red wrapping.)

Tubes of Blistex (for the puckering and wooing ahead).

New Adidas trainers (for when woo-ees untie the dogs at the gate. This item accompanied by box of doggie treats).

Three hammocks.

Two monkeys.

Parrot in a pommerac tree (accompanied by pre-paid delivery to TTSPCA, just in case).

Martin Joseph

Fourth box of anti-crime tricks.

Bolster (to rest head rather than holding in hands).

Squeeze toy (to occupy hands rather than by constant wringing).

Second handbook on pleading facial expressions.

Jane’s Defence Weekly publication: The Last Thing a Government Would Want To Do.

NB: Avoid putting the numbers 356 to 400 on items since recipient may pitch a fit or himself out his third-storey office window.

UTT head Ken Julien,

Minister Lenny Saith

Polish for the crowns and sceptres. (Dispense with Superman T-shirts this year.)

Pt Fortin MP Larry Achong

Gas mask.

Aluminium cookware.

Listerine, carbolic soap.

Agriculture Minister

Jarette Narine

Five-year supply tinned food. (Requested by Narine household.)

Megafarms at state land at Tucker Valley (vegetables), Chaguanas (chicken), a Mucurapo Road location (pork production).

Attorney General John Jeremie

Stronger suit of armour.

MP Franklin Khan

More court clothes.

MP Eric Williams


Trade Minister Ken Valley

Lomotil to accompany sample shipment of Guyanese chicken. (Comes with instructions for seasoning to eliminate aroma of fresh canal-fed poultry.)

Lomotil unnecessary for South American meat samples. (T&T well acquainted with foot-in-mouth, sorry foot-and-mouth disease. Prevalent among certain groups; it’s not fatal there.)

Samaurai sword (for fighting).

Housing Minister Keith Rowley

Matching sword.

Hold the court clothes.

Copy of 1996- 2007: Revenge of the Jedi. (Card reads “Remembering You At This Time.”)

Job offer (Seismic Research Unit).

Works Minister Colm Imbert

New shocks (to replace the stolen ones).

Mandatory-use three-month certificate for maxi-taxi travel from City Gate to Arima, San Fernando.

Comes with pocket-sized Mace.

Also: travellers’ handbook on avoiding being “picked,” removing grime from clothing, sleeping without whiplash, sharing seats with 200-pound travellers and avoiding eye contact with fellow commuters.

COP leader Winston Dookeran

Snowglobe (Rudy Guiliani’s inscription is “Best Wishes Bro”).

Year’s supply Red Bull; sweatband.

Copy of Cahoots. (PAMM says no card needed.)

Florsheim leathers (to avoid looking lame).

T-shirt. (Set of two emblazoned “Sole Leader.”)

First edition of Talking the Talk (Without Using the Hands) from E Ross. Includes diction tape, How To Quit With The Preaching Style—That’s Being Used Already.

Beyonce’s Irreplaceable.

S Baksh recommends that any gifts to the leader of the best-seller Kicking Them To the Curb—Party Organisation in the New Politics be sent elsewhere.

COP’s Gary Griffith,

Nirad Tewarie

Re-mix of Machel Montano’s Too Young (To Soca).

Gerald Yetming

NY Times best-seller New Politics—Maintaining the Credo. (Sender’s inscription: “You know what you can do if you don’t like it.”)

Joe Pires

Accounting course.

Robin Montano

Air time.

Kama Maharaj

A chair for the man.

MP Gillian Lucky

Gourmet chef Wolfgang Puck’s latest: (That’s) How the Cookie Crumbles.

General secretary Roy Augustus

Office intercom (inscribed “To accommodating friends. Love, Jack”).

Hulsie Bhaggan

Cancel shipment of “Couva North MP” T-shirts (no size to fit recipient). Also cancel shoes (ditto).

Ganga Singh

Biography of John Gotti’s former—now deceased—right hand man, Singing like a Canary—Life with the Boss.

MP Fuad Khan

Curtains, second copy of A Bridge Tooooo Far Apart.

UNC leader Basdeo Panday

Autographed copy of Rocky 6 DVD.

Hoodie jacket emblazoned “No 1.”

Punching bag.

Running shoes.

Ten more bottles of pepper sauce.

Copy of The Plan, Fed-exed from St Lucia (inscribed “Best Wishes, Sir John”).

UNC deputy leader Jack Warner

Hoodie jacket emblazoned “No 2.”

Blackberry cellphone 267-5225 (C MP JACK).

Centrum Silver.

Opposition Leader

Kamla Persad-Bissessar

Beyonce’s Irreplaceable.

Invitations to be bridesmaid (four weddings).

Sympathy card signed Hilary Clinton.

Copy of Sticking It To The Man—Reflections on Frontline Females, foreword by Oprah, Barbara Walters and Brittany Spears.

UNC’s Ramesh Maharaj

Ambulance klaxons for car roof.

NB: manufacturers cannot supply amount suggested.

MPs Hedwidge Bereaux, Eddie Hart, Diane Seukeran, Eulalie James, Eudine Job, Fitzgerald Hinds, Jarrette Narine, Eric Williams, Franklin Khan, Subhas Panday, Adesh Nanan, Gerald Yetming, Fuad Khan

Passes for back seats (outside of Parliament after September 17, 2007).

People of T&T:

Television coverage of parliamentary proceedings on all stations—not just cable—and radio from March (confirmed Friday by the House Speaker).

Galoshes and raincoats (for the flood of propaganda and promises due to flow in 2007).

Pepsin (to stomach what’s ahead).

Slingshots (to take pot-shots at the causes).

iPods (to block the begging from those quarters).

Spectacles, custom-made BS detectors (to ascertain truthiness).

Services of Kroll Worldwide, Dunn & Bradstreet (to assist).

A drop in prices (so local produce—tomatoes, melongene, avocadoes and bananas—will no longer be more expensive than mushrooms, broccoli, apples and kiwi fruit.

For the sugar-apples grown on Monos Island to be less than $12 a kilogramme.

An economic downturn, “supply” shortage and bankruptcy for T&T’s newest class of “businessmen.”

Peace (as a right, without price).

Land (minus smelters).

Bread (at affordable cost).


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