Attention: Shipping, Merchandising, Packaging, Distribution
Items to the following must be cross-referenced to this list
before being forwarded to Distribution.
Please avoid a repeat of last years *#^&@ where
two yellow velour bathrobes with UNC forever!
on the back were delivered to St Augustine.
It should have gone to the usual assignees in the SouthTrinidad
(and Tobago)(tiny island spitting distance from Cousin
Hugos place, close to Padre Fidels corner, but
still conveniently located near Uncle Sams spread).
Another snafu occurred when designer spectacles in the Vision
2020 box turned out to be cracked when they arrived
at someplace called Whitehall.
Recipient promptly e-mailed irate complaint that he had 1.1
million problems, was myopic already and needed the specs
ASAP since his five-year prescription had expired and he had
to renew by 2007.
This seasons hottest gift request is for item #678,
Beyonces latest, Irreplaceable . All requests stipulate
that the CD be accompanied by a large print copy of the chorus.
Second hottest item is #573 Court Clothes expected to be the
rage among certain elite parties in 2007. No, its not
a Meiling original and hardly lily white.
Awardees have, in the past four seasons, forwarded requests
to us. But in keeping with the upcoming year, some items are
being issued according to request from public quarters.
To be checked twice...
Prime Minister Patrick
Augustus Mervyn Manning
Fanny pack. (Recipients back and front pockets are full
of datesand prunes.)
Five-year supply of light bulbs. (NB: 120 watt and not the
40 watt which was obviously being used for the last four years.)
Second five-year supply of bulbs. (Recipients house
reported to have lights on 24/7.)
Dozen Saville Row suits. With tougher back panels. (Received
complaint that panels on last batch wore out after the first
Another pair of Armani shades. (Darkest tint requested by
sender K Rowley. Sender has dropped original additional request
for a hearing aid and four packs of chicken parts to be sent
Ten cases tuna, mackerel, salmon, sardine, tilapia. One bundle
Dr Philip DAmatos latest, Eating Right for Your
Blood TypeC, the Cold Blooded Type.
Second flannel night-shirt emblazoned The ChipsLetting
Them Fall Where They May.
Serta mattress (guaranteed more than four hours sleep).
Flock of sheep (in case mattress fails).
Another TV (as backup).
New York Times bestseller December chart-topper, Kicking It
to the CurbInflation, Not the People.
Postcard signed Thats All For Now, Folks!
(from Bombardier Air).
Dale Carnegies 2007 edition of How to Win Friends and
Influence PeopleGetting It Right This Time (flyleaf
inscribed With love, Hazel).
Deed to 20 acres at Chatham (from long lost will of Aunt Lucille
stipulating last wish for nature reserve in the Manning name).
Shakira CDs (to teach the team how to mesmerise the public
and wiggle out of things in 2007).
Three-piece living room set and buffet. (Recipient wants more
seats and new cabinet next year.)
Surplice and vestments (on the good chance seats unavailable).
Ten-page memo from one Kenny Anthony.
Less hostile security detail (to successfully make friends
on Opposition walkabouts).
100-watt light bulb (with automatic overhead flick-on as to
why folks arent responsive on walkabouts. And similar
Martha Stewarts Its Not MePeople are Just
Judgmental That Way. (B Panday suggests red wrapping.)
Tubes of Blistex (for the puckering and wooing ahead).
New Adidas trainers (for when woo-ees untie the dogs at the
gate. This item accompanied by box of doggie treats).
Parrot in a pommerac tree (accompanied by pre-paid delivery
to TTSPCA, just in case).
Fourth box of anti-crime tricks.
Bolster (to rest head rather than holding in hands).
Squeeze toy (to occupy hands rather than by constant wringing).
Second handbook on pleading facial expressions.
Janes Defence Weekly publication: The Last Thing a Government
Would Want To Do.
NB: Avoid putting the numbers 356 to 400 on items since recipient
may pitch a fit or himself out his third-storey office window.
UTT head Ken Julien,
Minister Lenny Saith
Polish for the crowns and sceptres. (Dispense with Superman
T-shirts this year.)
Pt Fortin MP Larry Achong
Listerine, carbolic soap.
Five-year supply tinned food. (Requested by Narine household.)
Megafarms at state land at Tucker Valley (vegetables), Chaguanas
(chicken), a Mucurapo Road location (pork production).
Attorney General John Jeremie
Stronger suit of armour.
MP Franklin Khan
More court clothes.
MP Eric Williams
Trade Minister Ken Valley
Lomotil to accompany sample shipment of Guyanese chicken.
(Comes with instructions for seasoning to eliminate aroma
of fresh canal-fed poultry.)
Lomotil unnecessary for South American meat samples. (T&T
well acquainted with foot-in-mouth, sorry foot-and-mouth disease.
Prevalent among certain groups; its not fatal there.)
Samaurai sword (for fighting).
Housing Minister Keith Rowley
Hold the court clothes.
Copy of 1996- 2007: Revenge of the Jedi. (Card reads Remembering
You At This Time.)
Job offer (Seismic Research Unit).
Works Minister Colm Imbert
New shocks (to replace the stolen ones).
Mandatory-use three-month certificate for maxi-taxi travel
from City Gate to Arima, San Fernando.
Comes with pocket-sized Mace.
Also: travellers handbook on avoiding being picked,
removing grime from clothing, sleeping without whiplash, sharing
seats with 200-pound travellers and avoiding eye contact with
COP leader Winston Dookeran
Snowglobe (Rudy Guilianis inscription is Best
Years supply Red Bull; sweatband.
Copy of Cahoots. (PAMM says no card needed.)
Florsheim leathers (to avoid looking lame).
T-shirt. (Set of two emblazoned Sole Leader.)
First edition of Talking the Talk (Without Using the Hands)
from E Ross. Includes diction tape, How To Quit With The Preaching
StyleThats Being Used Already.
S Baksh recommends that any gifts to the leader of the best-seller
Kicking Them To the CurbParty Organisation in the New
Politics be sent elsewhere.
COPs Gary Griffith,
Re-mix of Machel Montanos Too Young (To Soca).
NY Times best-seller New PoliticsMaintaining the Credo.
(Senders inscription: You know what you can do
if you dont like it.)
A chair for the man.
MP Gillian Lucky
Gourmet chef Wolfgang Pucks latest: (Thats) How
the Cookie Crumbles.
General secretary Roy Augustus
Office intercom (inscribed To accommodating friends.
Cancel shipment of Couva North MP T-shirts (no
size to fit recipient). Also cancel shoes (ditto).
Biography of John Gottis formernow deceasedright
hand man, Singing like a CanaryLife with the Boss.
MP Fuad Khan
Curtains, second copy of A Bridge Tooooo Far Apart.
UNC leader Basdeo Panday
Autographed copy of Rocky 6 DVD.
Hoodie jacket emblazoned No 1.
Ten more bottles of pepper sauce.
Copy of The Plan, Fed-exed from St Lucia (inscribed Best
Wishes, Sir John).
UNC deputy leader Jack Warner
Hoodie jacket emblazoned No 2.
Blackberry cellphone 267-5225 (C MP JACK).
Invitations to be bridesmaid (four weddings).
Sympathy card signed Hilary Clinton.
Copy of Sticking It To The ManReflections on Frontline
Females, foreword by Oprah, Barbara Walters and Brittany Spears.
UNCs Ramesh Maharaj
Ambulance klaxons for car roof.
NB: manufacturers cannot supply amount suggested.
MPs Hedwidge Bereaux, Eddie Hart, Diane Seukeran, Eulalie
James, Eudine Job, Fitzgerald Hinds, Jarrette Narine, Eric
Williams, Franklin Khan, Subhas Panday, Adesh Nanan, Gerald
Yetming, Fuad Khan
Passes for back seats (outside of Parliament after September
People of T&T:
Television coverage of parliamentary proceedings on all stationsnot
just cableand radio from March (confirmed Friday by
the House Speaker).
Galoshes and raincoats (for the flood of propaganda and promises
due to flow in 2007).
Pepsin (to stomach whats ahead).
Slingshots (to take pot-shots at the causes).
iPods (to block the begging from those quarters).
Spectacles, custom-made BS detectors (to ascertain truthiness).
Services of Kroll Worldwide, Dunn & Bradstreet (to assist).
A drop in prices (so local producetomatoes, melongene,
avocadoes and bananaswill no longer be more expensive
than mushrooms, broccoli, apples and kiwi fruit.
For the sugar-apples grown on Monos Island to be less than
$12 a kilogramme.
An economic downturn, supply shortage and bankruptcy
for T&Ts newest class of businessmen.
Peace (as a right, without price).
Land (minus smelters).
Bread (at affordable cost).