gmmalex@yahoo.com

The last word

By today, most of them already know what they’re likely to find under the tree on Tuesday (or in their postbox).

Judging from the political landscape of the last five years—and past week—it’s obvious who’s going to get what, whether they’ve been very, very good or very, very bad.

And T&T has a whole five years, past and future, to reward them for.

Who gets what

Prime Minister Patrick Manning:

• All Fair’s in Love, War and Pol-itics by Ken Starr.
• Sixth, plastic-covered, tearproof copy of Sun Tzu’s classic treatise (large-print copy).
• Extra bottle of that TV pancake

make-up. (Needed to hide any redness of face from embarrassment when hosting the 2009 Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting theme on climate change, after warning African leaders at the 2003 CHOGM in Nigeria against the “environmentalist” lobby, and subsequently entertaining aluminium smelter proposals for T&T.)

Increased stocks of salt, pepper and chadon beni. (To flavour words on the issue—and others—which will have to be eaten over the next five years.)

• Al Gore’s 2008 publication Glob-al Warning for Dummies—Bigger City Buildings cause Bigger Greenhouse Emissions, Duhhh.
• Extra copy of above for Urban Development Corporation jefe Calder Hart.
• An Inconvenient Truth DVD with Trini subtitle, minus the Etheridge soundtrack.
• From the Barbie series, the la-test Ken (Valley) doll—wind it up, play with it for five years, then toss it out for a newer plastic model. Batteries included.
• Reinforcements for the new Ca-binet in case of weakness.
• Magnifying glass (to properly vet prospective ministers).
• Canon towels (to wipe the egg off of face in case scrutiny fails. Again).
• Private jet.
• Bronze plate for Parliament desk emblazoned “It Ain’t Over Til The Fat Lady Sings—and the Fat Ladies R All On Our Side.”

Opposition Leader Basdeo Panday:

n Bronze plate for Parliament

desk emblazoned “So What?”

n Crateful of hankies.

n Wardrobe of The Look for 2008

—camo and fatigues to match the beret.

n Ten-year supply of boots (comes

minus plans for dying anytime soon).

n BET’s Top 10-climber CD, I

Did It My Way or The Highway by 50 Cent with Frank Sinatra sampling.

n Genuine Inuit Alaskan 15-foot

dogsled whip.

UNC MP Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj:

n Gene Autry CD Back in the

Saddle Again.

n Fifth order of bird pepper (hav-

ing exhausted Supplies 1 to 4 recently).

n Linkin Park CD Trying To

Bend The Truth.

n Accompanying DVD, Just Who

Linkin Park Is.

n Autographed copy of Comeback

Kid by Bill Clinton.

n FSB tapes of successorship con-

versation between Russian jefe Vladimir Putin and Dmitry Medvedev.

n Copy of agreement between

UK’s Tony Blair and successor Gordon Brown.

PNM MP Keith Rowley:

n Copy of agreement between

UK’s Tony Blair and successor Gordon Brown.

n Forbes business dictionary for

geologists, When Levelling the Playing Field Doesn’t Mean Digging Up The Ground.

UNC MP Jack Warner:

n A jet (to be back in time for Par-

liament sittings).

n Amendment to Fifa Web site

bio: “Seeking to be Prime Minister... by 2010.”

UNC MP Kamla Persad-Bissessar:

n Hillary Clinton’s 07 blog series,

“Don’t Rule Me Out.”

n Hard-cover version of Success-

fully Transcending Fluff Status by Paris Hilton.

Laventille MP Donna Cox:

n Six copies of Marc Bohan’s clas-

sic, The Senior Look (And We Don’t Mean Age Here).

n Personal shopper on five-year

contract.

n Meiling’s latest, On Wearing

White.

n Camilla Parker Bowles’ auto-

biography, Hats—Not For Everyone.

n Guest spot on Carson Kressley’s

January TV production.

Penny Beckles, Indra

SInanan-Ojah Maharaj:

n Shopping coupons for different

stores. At opposite ends of T&T.

n Subscription to Women’s Wear

Daily’s annual, Fashion Faux Pas of the Century.

AG Brigid Annisette-George:

n Appointment with Hazel Man-

ning’s couturier.

Esther Le Gendre, Marlene McDonald:

n Duck I s Best, Curried—best-

seller on ministerial protocol, by lecturer in government, Dr John La Guerre.

Security Minister Martin Joseph:

n Stronger asbestos suit

n Bigger crash helmet.

Local Government Minister

Hazel Manning:

n Extra well-cut suits to showcase the straighter shoulders emerging after jettisoning that burdensome Education Ministry.

Minister/House Leader Colm Imbert:

n Oven gloves to handle the URP,

Cepep hot potatoes.

n Swiffer duster with heavy-duty

cleaning attachments for the mess ahead in the Lower House.

Jerry Narace, Neil Parsanlal:

n Shoulder pads to alleviate the

stooped-shoulder look and stem further sag arising from heavy-duty portfolios.

n James Carville’s Fast Talk

Won’t Work.

The 2O-plus new PNM MPs:

n Silence of the Lambs DVDs.

UNC MP team:

n Mays Parliamentary Practice

for the Çaribbean, How Not To Make Like A Fish Market.

Parliament clerks:

n New set of Standing Orders to

replace those which will be waved, held up and used as a whip, as well as abused, trampled upon and downright ignored in the term.

Speaker Barendra Sinanan:

n Kevlar, flak jacket and a bigger

stick than last term’s to defend himself.

Senate President Danny Montano:

n Only a good microphone for the imperious bark.

n Or a borrow of Rosemond’s grey

hat if the situation ahead becomes too tough to watch.

Winston Dookeran:

n Ticket to Canada in 2010 (from

COP finance team).

n Or hammock (from Bas).