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I’m
18 years old and have been talking to someone for about two
years. We’re getting closer and I really like him, but
my parents want me to end the relationship because he is Hindu
and we are devout Muslims. My friend is now fed-up and wants
out. I’m very miserable and want to know how I can work
this out at least see if this person is the one for me.
Dear Friend,
Your misery is understandable! You’re trying to balance
big and important pieces of your life: love, family and religious
faith. For most young people it’s a non-issue, but you
have a tougher reality. It’s not a terrible thing. In
fact, this struggle can make you a stronger woman. It’s
an excellent opportunity to unravel tensions that may tug
at you for a lifetime. Prevent future heartache by courageously
tackling it now.
A close colleague familiar with Indian cultural and religious
backgrounds helped me to understand Hindu-Muslim romantic
tensions. This person is also a psychologist and has offered
some excellent advice:
Be patient
Your parents’ objections to a Muslim-Hindu romance may
not seem right or reasonable, but they and others of their
generation hold strongly to these views. I’m sure you’re
aware of the historical traditions that have given rise to
these tensions. You, a young Muslim and your friend, a young
Hindu, may believe that love transcends these religious and
cultural differences. You are the hope for a more tolerant
future, but your parents are not there yet so respect their
hesitations. They probably want the best for you. Ask them
to explain their objections. You may not agree, but you can
listen.
Get advice
You may have to make a hard and lonely choice about love that
puts you at odds with your family. That choice will impact
your life enormously, but you’re not there yet. It’s
too early. The relationship is just developing and you’re
still young. You don’t know for sure if he is the one.
Use this break-up to get familiar with the demands of a controversial
romance.
Find people to talk to about the nitty-gritty of loving someone
of a different faith (or even race). Go about it as you would
a research paper. Develop a list of questions, set up meetings
with trusted people and get information. This should keep
you busy and provide a good understanding of the costs and
benefits of such a romance. If you ever have to choose, you’ll
be informed and that will bring more peace.
Forbidden appeal
When something desirable is off limits, it’s so much
more appealing! Is this happening? Is your interest in this
man based on his character? (What do you know about him?)
Is he worth it? Whether he’s Hindu or Muslim, you should
check him out. Your parents may be checking too, but unless
your marriage is arranged, most of the vetting is up to you.
I imagine you to be an attractive, intelligent young woman
that wants the best.
Chose the best or wait for such a person. If this young man
wants to move on, it’s a loss, but there’ll be others.
And whomever you choose should be special because you may
be giving up a lot for him.
I know you’ll get this fact. Religious faith and family
are things that keep many women going when romances fall apart.
Boyfriends and husbands move on, but parents and faith prop
us up. Don’t give that up. You’ll always need family
and faith, so find a way to balance them with love. Best wishes!
Send questions or comments
to deardrdonna@gmail.com
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