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raphael_d_righter@hotmail.com
living
with a painful secret
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This relative, who was about
40 years older than me, would take me into the bushes.
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I never told anyone what took place and I have never felt
what it is like to be gay.
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I am reluctant to seek help because I am a prominent citizen
of this country.
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We will never know the full extent of this problem because
of our flippant and even cruel attitude.
I
recently received a plea for help from a gentleman who visited
me and who gave me what follows below in strict confidence.
The topic is self-explanatory and I faithfully reproduce
his case with one caveat.
Please, somebody, anybody who can help, please do so. You
might very well be the catalyst for change in the way we
treat with certain issues affecting our society:
Mr Raphael, it began when I was about age seven living in
St Joseph. There was this man who was related to the kind
lady who brought me up.
Please note I am not going to disclose any detail which
might even remotely reveal my identity for obvious reasons.
Unfortunately, we have not matured in the way a serious
society ought to, and unlike many prominent foreigners who
have come out and spoken about sexual abuse, if this were
to happen here, instead of a compassionate stance the victim
would be heckled and ridiculed out of town.
Oprah Winfrey, one of the world’s richest and most
influential women, is among those who have done so. Because
of the mature nature of the American society she was able
to overcome the shame, indignity and humiliation of something
she had no control over.
Many others have followed her lead and spoken out against
one of the most heinous crimes that could ever be perpetuated
against another human being.
Mr Raphael, I was encouraged to “come out” as
it were by the disclosure not too long ago by our esteemed
and internationally acclaimed Nobel laureate, Vidia S Naipaul.
Very courageously he revealed in his book that he was sexually
assaulted as a boy by a male relative.
Really, I cannot reveal my identity for fear of being targeted
by those who can be very insensitive, and you know the Trinidadian
penchant for “picong” regardless of how serious
the particular circumstance.
I am also speaking to you in the hope that somebody, a professional
in some field, who reads this story could assist me because
I am suffering in many ways for more than 40 years.
As I said, it began when I was still a young child when
this relative, who was about 40 years older than me, would
take me to the bushes when no adult was around and force
his (you know what) into me.
I cannot recall at this time feeling any pain but when he
was finished he would always give me something to eat like
a cake or a fruit.
Honestly, I cannot recall if I felt abused at the time and
I don’t know if it had to do with my poor economic
circumstances as a child. It was not an enlightened age
as today.
That man who had a wife and children has long died and the
last time I saw him was when I was about ten years old.
I never had a homosexual relationship, if I could use that
term given the circumstances under which I was abused, since
that period. At that time I didn’t know that is what
it was called.
I never told anyone about what took place and I have never
felt what it is like to be gay. I have been married three
times with eight children, with a very good job and a middle-class
lifestyle.
My biggest problem today is that I have never been able
to hug my children or my wife (wives really) and tell them
“I love you.”
I love my children and wife dearly but something is restraining
me from expressing it in that very acceptable and appreciable
way.
The few times I attempted to do either, I am mentally held
back. I just cannot do it even though I know I should, knowing
how important it is to bond with your loved ones.
I look at other husbands and fathers do it and I am wondering
if what happened to me as a little child has anything to
do with my inability to bond with my wife and children in
that very special way.
Because of the type of society we are, I am also reluctant
to seek professional help, unless I can be assured my case
would be kept absolutely confidential.
I am afraid to mention this but I think I should if only
to let your readers know why I am reluctant to seek that
kind of help; I’m a prominent citizen of this coun-try.
For years I have been reading of well known people internationally
who have spoken about their experiences in this regard as
children, and I keep asking myself why we cannot as a people
treat with this phenomenon with the same kind of sensitivity
and maturity as other societies are doing.
We would never know the full extent of this problem as it
affects our male population because of our flippant and
even cruel attitude to such a nerve-wrenching situation.
Clevon, I am willing to get help but the only way I am prepared
to do so is if any person out there, and as I said preferably
a professional, would contact you and I would take it from
there.
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